I wonder what is really happening.

This is a common thought as I live in a new culture, who uses a new language that I don't understand. I miss so much, I am sure.

But today I had to say this after trying again in 6 months to have a budget conversation with my husband a few days ago. How much money is coming in? From where and what are our numbers for each expense category.? Today was different though because my husband knows we have used up all my savings which I brought over 6 months ago. He knows there is 0 left. But this morning he was hatching a plan to revive his last remaining business. As he was doing so, he asked me, "Can I borrow money from you so we can beef up the business for December, so we can generate more income during the peak month?"

It's a great idea until you consider that the person who he is asking money of doesn't have any and he knows it. This is when I think, "What is really going on?"

And I realize I have no idea.

Today, the cupboards are bare. There is not a fresh veggie in the house to add to the rice or the matoke that is grown and stolen from our garden. I am lucky to have what the thieves don't want. I decide to skip lunch and put the girls to sleep instead. I hope they don't notice they missed lunch. I wonder how much more often I might have to do this? As I've been slowly trying to get my girls accustomed to skipping lunch. But by 6 pm they were screaming for food, so I cooked rice with the last of the scraps of meat bones and we ate the bones in lieu of the meat. I've never lived this close to zero and we seem to be ever closer to -0.

I wonder what is really going on.

I've just tried, unsuccessfully, to explain to my daughters why they should stop asking Daddy for the special food they like. It costs more money than the food that fills your belly longer. I am afraid he is buying treats with money we don't have or God knows where it comes from, just to make his daughters happy. I was telling the girls that, "we should eat the food we have rather than asking Daddy for treats like roadside fries and chapati. Daddy doesn't have money for all the treats."

They looked at me seriously and then broke into tears.